I cannot do it. Which is fitting considering what was on my mind to say in this particular post.
I'm in a mode.
One I cannot define....
It's blank mode.
Ya know, blank as in, I cannot put words to it.
But, really, also the word "blank" seems somewhat appropriate to how I feel.
An emotional blank page, so to speak.
For a week now, I have had certain emails sitting in my inbox waiting to be read, to be signed, and to be returned. And, for some reason, I intentionally pass over them. That is not like me. Absolutely nothing. I do not procrastinate. I like productivity - getting things done - moving forward. It's very hard for me to understand why I am struggling with that now.
We have weighed this thing in every possible way. We have prayed and talked and sought every option available to us. Time frames and cost and loss and age and gender and travel and everything under the sun has been carefully taken into consideration.
Our hopes of a Ugandan adoption are being laid aside.
I am telling myself that this may not mean forever, but I know that it really may mean just that.
The transition is underway to enter the Haiti program within our own agency.
Time is also of the essence because of the possibility of our USCIS status expiring and costing nearly $1000 to do again. Because of this, I will have to read those emails I have been avoiding.
This weekend, I will print new forms and start reading through a new manual.
I will have to accept change that I do not want.
I will have to swallow the fact that this route is more expensive.
I will have to settle within myself the reality of unmet expectations.
I will have to do a lot of things...
Yes, this has happened in the adoption world many times.
Perhaps, it has not been hard for others..??? I care not.
This is hard for me.
I will not go so far as to say this was God's plan from the beginning of adoption journey. However, I do know that this is what He has allowed. I know that orphans in every corner of this world are dear to His heart. I know He sees all of this and that our family is not traveling this journey alone. He saw this step....every one before it...and every one that is to come.
Now, to forget what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead.