I didn't even realize it until weeks afterward. Due to the fact that there were so many decisions to make (and so quickly because our Immigration status was on the verge of expiring), I think I just hit auto-pilot. I had done it all before, and I knew what I had to do. I kept my nose to the grindstone and pushed hard to ensure that we didn't not miss our deadline. When I finally lifted my head, I felt numb and a bit dazed. The feeling lingered.
After some thinking, I have discovered the explanation for all of it. Waiting for over two years, we have experienced delays, financial mountains, and hurdles (expected and unexpected) of various kinds. The brokenness I acquired when faced with the end of our Ugandan adoption was devastating to my mother's heart. Never had the reality of my lack of control in this process been more obvious.
Things have become more clear to me over the past couple of weeks.
What I had mistaken as "detachment" was actually peace. Yes, peace.
I felt detached because I had stopped feeling the urgency I had experienced at times in the past. I stopped feeling as anxious for and about my child (in a good way, of course).
Eager still, but not as anxious.
In the midst of feeling crushed and disappointed and confused, God had given me a deeper measure of peace. You see, the messier and more complicated this process gets, the less secure it is and the easier it becomes to relinquish.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer says "Peace is the opposite of security. To demand guarantees is to want to protect oneself. Peace means giving oneself completely to God’s commandment..." Every step of this process has proven to be less secure and uncertain than the one before. Your heart cannot remain protected. However, peace can reign.
While I realize it is not always the case, I suppose some things can be more acutely experienced in the absence of others....
When security is absent, peace can be present.
The Lord takes away. The Lord gives.
A loss of security. An abundance of peace.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.